I didn't realize when I started this blog that it would begin as our adoption blog and turn into the place where I recorded thoughts and feelings from my pregnancy. I continue to be a wild and unweildy fan of the life that God is putting together for me (for more on that reference see here).
I felt as if each trimester had a theme. The first theme was "fight for joy."
Obviously after experiencing two miscarriages, having a positive pregnancy test doesn't equal excitement and celebration. There is celebration mixed with an enormous amount of "We'll see." I will say however, after finding out I was pregnant I had significantly less anxiety than when I found out I was pregnant the second time.
For the first 12 weeks of this pregnancy almost no one knew we were pregnant. I was very much hidden in secret like John the Baptist's mom, Elizabeth. That precious isolation made that first trimester a very personal journey between myself, Jesus and Landon. Hiddenness and even aloneness can be a blessing. As I began to pray through daily dealing with pregnancy I had a very sharp sense of daily grace.
Daily grace from Jesus kept me from worrying about a miscarriage. Daily grace kept me from planning my future child's life. Daily grace kept me from overwhelming anxiety every time I went to the doctor. He kept me from putting my identity in becoming a mother. I had trouble making plans with people because my heart felt so focused on just today. And although it may have been somewhat inconvenient I learned the beauty in just living in today - being fully in today, just the glorious right now. There was incredible freedom in not being chained to the past (assuming miscarriage was inevitable) and tied to an unknown future.
I don't know if these two concepts go hand in hand but they came coupled for me. As I began to focus on just one day at a time - I began to think of all the things that made today incredible. I began to practice graditude. I started thanking God for all the things I have today: my health, my husband, my job, my friends, my family and more ultimately, the fullness of Christ always accessible. As I cultivated this practice of thanking God for the daily manna He provided something extremely important happened: I learned the importance of graditude.
It even feels small when I type it but I wish I could articulate how this has revolutionized me. The more I practiced thanking God, most of the time audibly for the daily provision of my life, my faith became razor sharp. Thankfulness became more than a good attitude or positive outlook - it became a weapon of warfare. I preached to my soul daily about the greatness of God offered to me in Christ who is the source of all wisdom, knowledge, satisfaction and joy. I thanked God for moments with my husband that I may have not cherished before. I thanked God for another day to live, be a witness to His character and yes, even another day to be pregnant with a baby I didn't know that I would ever get to meet.
Graditude is powerful because it saved my soul from a thousand other ills and entanglements like fear, anxiety, bitterness, despair and faithlessness. I so sensed the Spirit confirming this work and speaking to my soul saying "Fight for joy Lindsay, fight for graditude!" I remember telling a friend on the phone (one of 3 who knew I was pregnant) "I feel like fighting for joy is so important right now. It feels so urgent as if God was telling me that eternity is at stake!" It really felt that serious to me. Daily I felt the Spirit remind me to take up graditude and fight to have joy in every moment even though I had no idea what the future would hold.
I am so glad for this 3 month season. With confidence I felt like that band of brothers who faced the firey furnace saying "Our God is able to deliver us from this fire, O king but even if He didn't, we would still never bow down to you." The miracle that happened in my soul is that even if this little child in my womb didn't live - I believed that Christ would be all sufficient in that moment and would heal even another loss - death itself lost its sting.
At my 12 week appointment we were scheduled for an ultrasound. My last two previous 12 week appointments with an ultrasound tech proved to be very painful. I was very preoccupied that day to say the least. I spent the morning preaching to my trembling soul to take up Christ as my all, as the fountain of never ending joy and sufficiency and as my constant friend. I went to that ultrasound in a tearful but confident state and what happened at that appointment changed me forever and hurled me into my second trimester and it's lesson: celebrate.
At 12 weeks baby Hannah was virtually a boxer. I got to see her tiny, skinny frame kicking, punching rolling and living in my womb. Oh what a redemption and follow up to my other ultrasounds! Those pictures and videos are Ebenezer stones to me.
So, trimester 1: Fight for joy! It continues to teach me today.
