Not only do you feel in this kind of situation the loss of control, but there is a very frustrating helplessness as well. These feelings can make you feel like you are spinning your internal wheels and not getting anywhere and that is exhausting.
Trial, suffering, hardship (whatever you name it) graces us with the opportunity to be a spectator, instead of a player. Suffering prys our white-knuckle fingers off of our lives and resolutely places it in the hands of God. My life has always been in the care of God but this journey of infertility and miscarriage has made this more obvious to me.
Right now I have no idea how this section of our life will unfold, I have little to no plans, no real clear idea of the future and I honestly have enough "light" in this situation to only what is next. And this is another grace given in trial - dependence.
Yesterday, our pastor had a great sermon about this very thing and said we should be more like the guy in the bleechers eating corn dogs cheering as the most important player, God, orchestrates the game of our life and accomplishes our victories and triumphs - you can listen to it here: http://www.grandparkway.org/sermons/ or search iTunes for Grand Parkway Baptist.
Appropriately for Christmas, we see this in Isaiah 9 when the prophet speaks of what will come 700 years after his death when the Son will be given. He will bring joy, peace, righteousness and even the government will rest on His shoulder. And what is our role in this? What is our take home application for what we should change this week? Nothing- because the zeal of the Lord will accomplish this salvation and bring about what no man could accomplish. The Lord will accomplish this because He is in control and because He is all powerful and no one can do what He does.
So, I am learning to be a grateful spectator in my life. I am excited to see what play God makes next. In the mean time I get to trust that God is the one making things move and shift and checking all the to-do lists at this point.
What a gracious God who would use my life to demonstrate His abilities to do far more beyond what I can even ask or think. What a merciful chance I have been given to let go of the illusion of control and believe that my zealous God will fight for me. And I am finding that hardship has become a friend whose desire is to lead me closer to Jesus who had the ultimate trust in His Father to glorify Him at the right time after His suffering was complete.
Today, I am grateful to be a psychotic, screaming, painted face fan of my own life because I know my Savior always plays His hardest when He's playing in my life. Maybe that's kind of what faith looks like...
~L&L
